Flexible Brain

Our brains are flexible and designed for learning and adaptation in a phenomenon known as neuroplasticity, so we can reprogram at any time in the life span and make genuine, radical changes.

Among other things, neuroplasticity means that emotions such as happiness and compassion can be cultivated in much the same way that a person can learn through repetition to play golf and basketball or master a musical instrument and that such practice changes the activity and physical aspects of specific brain areas. ― Andrew Weil

Understanding the Stress Response and Panic

 The stress response, also known as the "fight-or-flight" response, is a physiological and psychological reaction that occurs in response to perceived threats or stressors. It is a natural and adaptive mechanism that prepares the body to respond to challenges and dangers. Here's an overview of how the stress response works:

1. Perception of stressor: The stress response begins with the brain's perception of a threat or stressor. This can be a physical threat, such as a predator, or a psychological stressor, such as a demanding work deadline.

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3. Activation of the hypothalamus: When a stressor is perceived, the hypothalamus, a region of the brain, triggers the release of stress hormones.

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5. Release of stress hormones: The hypothalamus signals the adrenal glands to release stress hormones, primarily cortisol and adrenaline (also known as epinephrine). These hormones enter the bloodstream and prepare the body for action.

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7. Physiological changes: The stress hormones initiate a series of physiological changes to prepare the body for a rapid response. These changes include increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, rapid breathing, and heightened alertness.

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9. Increased energy supply: The stress response triggers the release of stored glucose and fatty acids, providing an immediate energy boost to meet the body's increased demands.

10. Focus and attention: The stress response enhances focus and attention, directing attention toward the perceived threat and enabling quick decision-making and action.

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12. Suppression of non-essential functions: The stress response temporarily suppresses non-essential bodily functions, such as digestion and reproductive functions, in order to prioritize immediate survival.

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14. Emotional and cognitive changes: The stress response can also impact emotions and cognitive functioning. It can lead to increased anxiety, irritability, and decreased concentration as the body mobilizes its resources to deal with the perceived threat.

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16. Termination and recovery: Once the threat or stressor subsides, the body initiates a process of recovery and relaxation. Stress hormone levels decrease, and the body returns to its normal state.

It's important to note that while the stress response is helpful in acute situations, chronic or prolonged activation of the stress response can have negative effects on physical and mental health. Frequent or ongoing stress can lead to chronic stress, which can contribute to a range of health problems, including cardiovascular issues, weakened immune function, and mental health disorders.

Managing stress and practicing stress-reduction techniques, such as relaxation exercises, regular physical activity, social support, and self-care, can help regulate the stress response and promote overall well-being.

Stress and panic are two related but distinct experiences. Stress refers to the body's response to demands or pressures from the environment, while panic refers to a sudden and intense feeling of fear or anxiety. Here's a closer look at each of them:

Stress is a normal physiological and psychological response to challenging or threatening situations. It can result from various factors, such as work demands, relationship problems, financial difficulties, or major life changes. Some common signs and symptoms of stress include:

1. Physical symptoms: Headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and changes in appetite.

2. Emotional symptoms: Irritability, anxiety, sadness, mood swings, and feeling overwhelmed.

3. Cognitive symptoms: Racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, memory problems, and indecisiveness.

4. Behavioral symptoms: Increased or decreased appetite, changes in sleep patterns, social withdrawal, and changes in productivity.

Panic:

Panic is a sudden and intense surge of fear or anxiety that is accompanied by physical and cognitive symptoms. Panic attacks are brief episodes of overwhelming panic that can occur unexpectedly or in response to a specific trigger. Some common symptoms of a panic attack include:

1. Physical symptoms: Rapid heartbeat, chest pain or discomfort, shortness of breath, dizziness, trembling, sweating, and sensations of choking or smothering.

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3. Cognitive symptoms: Fear of losing control or going crazy, fear of dying, feeling detached from oneself or reality, and intense feelings of dread or doom.

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5. Emotional symptoms: Overwhelming fear or anxiety, a sense of impending danger, and feeling like something terrible is about to happen.

It's important to note that experiencing occasional stress or panic in response to challenging situations is a normal part of life. However, if stress or panic becomes chronic, excessive, or significantly impairs your daily functioning and quality of life, it may be beneficial to seek support

Self-Compassion Exercises

 

                                                       Self-Compassion Exercises

How Would You Treat a Friend?

Perhaps the single best way to provoke compassion for yourself is through this exercise: treating yourself like a good friend.

 

It’s usually easy to give our friends love, compassion, and understanding, even when they fail or make a mistake. It can be much harder to extend that same understanding and compassion to ourselves when we make a mistake.

 

Follow these instructions to start showing yourself more compassion:

 

First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about them or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.

 

Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

 

Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

 

Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

An exercise like this can be a first step toward treating yourself like a good friend – not just for a quick, 10-minute exercise, but for life.

 

Self-Compassion Break

Another good exercise to help you improve your understanding and love for yourself is the Self-Compassion Break. It will only take a few minutes, but it can make a big difference.

 

To begin, bring to mind a situation in your life that is causing you stress or pain. Think about this situation and how it makes you feel, both emotionally and physically.

 

When you have this situation in mind and get in touch with the feelings associated with it, say the following things to yourself:

 

“This is a moment of suffering.”

This will activate mindfulness; other options include “This hurts,” “This is stress,” and, simply, “Ouch.”

“Suffering is a part of life.”

Saying this helps you realize that you have this in common with all other human beings on the planet – suffering is an unavoidable part of life. You can follow this by putting your hands over your heart or using whatever soothing self-touch feels right to you. Other options include saying “Other people feel this way,” “I’m not alone,” or “We all struggle in our lives.”

“May I be kind to myself.”

 

Alternatively, you can use other phrases that may apply better in your current situation, such as “May I forgive myself” or “May I be patient.”

 

Great relief can come from simply affirming that you are experiencing suffering, a difficult but natural part of life, and stating your intention to be kind, patient, or accepting of yourself.

 

Exploring Self-Compassion Through Writing

This three-part exercise can be especially helpful for those who like to write or are particularly adept at expressing themselves via the written word. However, even if you’re not a proficient writer, this exercise is a great opportunity to practice some self-compassion.

 

Follow the instructions below to try your hand at self-compassion through writing.

 

Part one

First, think about the imperfections that make you feel inadequate. Everyone has at least a few things they don’t like about themselves or makes them feel “not good enough.”

 

Consider these things that you feel insecure about. If there is one issue that is particularly salient for you at the moment, focus on this insecurity.

 

Note how you feel when you think about it. Notice the emotions that come up, and let yourself experience them. We are so often desperate to avoid feeling anything negative, but negative feelings are an inherent part of life. Additionally, negative feelings can often provoke positive outcomes, like self-compassion.

 

Simply feel the emotions that thinking about your insecurity dredges up, then write about them.

 

Part two

Once you have written about these emotions, you can move on to the second part of this exercise: writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend.

 

This exercise will call upon your tendency to show compassion and understanding to your friends, and encourage you to apply it to yourself as well.

 

Imagine a friend who is unconditionally loving, kind, compassionate, and accepting. Next, imagine they have all of your strengths and all of your weaknesses, including the feelings of inadequacy you just wrote about.

 

Think about how this friend feels about you: They love you, accept you, and act kindly toward you. Even when you make a mistake or do something hurtful, this friend is quick to forgive and understand.

 

Not only is this friend completely understanding and compassionate, but they know all about your life. They know how you got to where you are, they know about all the millions of little choices that you made along the way, and they understand that several factors have contributed to the person you are today.

 

Write a letter from the perspective of this imaginary, unconditionally loving friend. Focus the letter on the inadequacies you wrote about in part one. Think about what this all-compassionate friend would say to you.

 

Would they tell you that you must be perfect, and any weakness is unacceptable? Or would this friend tell you that they understand why you feel that way, but that we are all human and imperfect?

 

Would they berate you for your feelings of insecurity or inadequacy? Or would they encourage you to accept yourself as you are, and remind you of your strengths?

 

Write this letter with the friend’s feelings for you in mind; make sure that their love, compassion, and kindness are at the forefront of their message to you.

 

Part three

Once you finish the letter, put it down and walk away for a while. Give yourself some space from the letter.

 

When you come back, read it again – but read it with the intention to really let the words sink in. Don’t read it as a note that you wrote a few minutes or hours ago; read it as if it is really from this unconditionally loving friend.

 

Open yourself up to their compassion and let yourself experience it, soothing and comforting you. Allow their compassion to sink into you and become your own compassion for yourself.

 

Changing Your Critical Self-Talk

This exercise is meant to be practiced over the long term and will require several sessions to be truly impactful on your compassion for yourself. It is vital that you keep up on these three steps, but the reward for doing so will be well worth the time you spent.

 

There are three steps to this exercise that you will repeat several times.

 

Step one

In step one, all you need to do is notice when you are being critical of yourself and take note of the words, tone, phrases, etc., you use with yourself. It’s easy to be critical of ourselves, but it’s harder to notice all of these factors. You will likely have trouble noticing these things the first or second time you try, but don’t give up! It will get easier the more you practice it.

 

The goal of this step is to simply get a sense of how you talk to yourself when you are criticizing yourself or being negative about yourself. It is not only practically challenging to get a sense of how you talk to yourself, it can also be emotionally challenging to confront the reality of how you talk to yourself.

 

It might bring up a lot of difficult or intense emotions, but remember that the next two steps are meant to help you become more positive about yourself. You’ll get there!

 

Step two

In step one, you begin to challenge the negative self-talk. Begin to “talk back” to the critical voice in your head. Don’t take on the same critical tone with this voice in your head. Although you may want to be nasty to this voice, that will just encourage self-judgment instead of self-compassion!

 

Tell the voice that you understand that the voice is nervous, anxious, or worried about getting hurt, but that it is causing you unnecessary pain. Ask the critical voice to allow your compassionate self to speak for a few moments.

 

Step three

Finally, work on reframing the observations made by the critical voice. Put them in a more positive perspective, perhaps with the help of the “unconditionally compassionate” friend from the last exercise. Instead of allowing the critical voice to berate you for a choice you made, put on your “self-compassionate” or “compassionate friend” hat and view the situation with a focus on the positive.

 

For instance, if you feel horrible for saying something mean to a friend, don’t allow your critical voice to have full control in your mind. Let your compassionate self take over and say something like, “I know you made a mean comment to your friend and that you feel bad about it. You thought it might feel good to get that off your chest, but you just felt worse after.

 

I want you to be happy, so please think about calling your friend and apologizing. It will feel good to make up with her.”

 

You can even pair this positive self-talk with loving physical gestures, like stroking your arm or giving yourself a hug. However you do it, engaging in this kind of positive self-talk will help you to start being more kind to yourself, which will eventually lead to genuine feelings of warmth and love for yourself.

 

 

Identifying What We Really Want

Another three-part exercise can help you to figure out what you want and motivate yourself to achieve it in a healthy and effective way. This exercise also must be practiced regularly to experience the full benefits it can offer.

 

Part one

Piggy-backing off of the previous exercise, step one of this exercise concerns your negative self-talk and its harmful impact on you. You may not immediately connect any harmful outcomes to this negative self-talk, but you can be sure that constant streams of critical self-talk make your head a toxic and inhospitable place.

 

Think about what you tend to criticize yourself for, perhaps in the hopes that being hard on yourself will motivate you to change. Open yourself up to the emotional pain that this criticism causes and offer yourself compassion for the feeling of being judged.

 

Part two

In the next phase, challenge yourself to come up with a more kind, caring way to motivate yourself. Consider how you would encourage a close friend or family member. Think about how a wise and nurturing parent, teacher, or mentor would tell you that your behavior is not helping you to reach your goals, and recommend new ways to move closer to them.

 

Come up with the most supportive message you can think of that mirrors your underlying wish to be happy, healthy, and productive.

 

Part three

Whenever you catch yourself criticizing or being judgmental towards yourself, repeat step one. Open yourself up to the feelings that these thoughts bring. Then, offer yourself compassion for experiencing this kind of judgment.

 

Once you have shown yourself compassion, try to reframe your inner dialogue, as you did in step two. Use the encouraging and supportive voice instead of the critical voice, and offer yourself understanding and actionable suggestions for positive change. Remind yourself that love is a much more powerful motivator than fear!

Internal Family Systems exercise

 

IFS Exercise: All Parts are Welcome

All Parts Are Welcome Schwartz states that in IFS treatment, “all parts are welcome” (Anderson, Sweezy, & Schwartz, 2017, p. 33). T

The following exercise can help you embrace (and talk to) all parts of your Self using your attention and a few simple questions (modified from Anderson, Sweezy, & Schwartz, 2017).

■ Step one – focus your attention inside yourself and say the following in your head or out loud: “I want to help anyone that needs help, but first, I need to know all of you.”

■ Step two – then say the following out loud or to yourself: “If you overwhelm me, I will not be able to help you.”

■ Step three – make the following request: “Please be here with me, rather than taking me over. When you are ready, let me know who you are, and I will write it down.”

■ Step four – make a note of the parts (including thoughts, emotions, and sensations) that you feel or experience: Schwartz and team created this exercise to help the client welcome all part of their Self (Anderson, Sweezy, & Schwartz, 2017). References

 

Fair Fighting Rules

 

                                                                  Fair Fighting Rules

 

Rules or guidelines for fighting fair may help you come away from an argument or conflict with a better understanding of yourself, the other person, and both of your goals and needs. Rules include things like being open, staying focused, and sharing your emotions.

Here are sixteen rules for fair fighting

1. Stay Focused On the Issue at Hand

When an issue is escalating, try to keep your discussion streamlined. Doing so minimizes the likelihood that you will bring non-related issues into the conversation, which can only lead to further distress and irritation. By not bringing up past hurts and conflicts, you give yourself a better chance at resolving the current issue and moving forward with your future.

2. Talk Openly About the Problem

Shutting down, not fully engaging with the other person, and not devoting sufficient time to the matter won’t lead to a resolution. Make sure you give each other enough time and space to talk through the problem so everyone feels heard, respected, valued, and supported.

3. Share Your Feelings & Emotions

Are you angry? Sad? Scared? Frustrated? Lonely? Tell the other person how you are feeling. This promotes emotional intimacy and bonding. Showing vulnerability will keep you from becoming closed off from one another.

4. Listen to Each Other Without Interrupting & Pay Attention to Body Language

Listening to each other without interruption allows both people to get their points across clearly and demonstrates mutual appreciation. Also, notice the other person’s facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, speed of speech, and body positioning. Similarly, pay attention to your own body language in a tense situation.

5. Respect the Other Person’s Perspective

Even if you don’t agree with the other person, respect their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and ideas about how to move forward. Getting outside of your own mindset will help you see things from another point of view and can help you both take that first step toward positive change.

6. Reach a Compromise or Problem-solve to Find a Solution Together

You both might start to dig your heels into the ground about being “right.” Remember, there is no right or wrong, and insisting there is only further drives a wedge between you. Focus on reaching a mutually agreed upon compromise or solution that you can both feel good about.

7. Be Open About Your Needs, Expectations, Hopes, & Goals

Try being open about what you need in the relationship, your expectations, and your hopes and goals for the future (e.g., living situation, travel, family composition, career aspirations, financial goals, retirement, etc.). These are all things that you will want to get on the same page about to reduce the likelihood of future arguments and misunderstandings.

8. Focus On Issues That Are a Priority For You Both & Leave the Rest

Let go of matters that aren’t a huge priority for you; instead, devote more time to the core concerns that you both feel need to be addressed.

9. Be Mindful of the Time You Choose to Discuss a Problem

Starting an important discussion at the end of the day or early in the morning may not be the best idea. Consider discussing the problem at a time of day when you both feel like you can discuss the matter without too much interruption, a time when your focus, attention, and energy levels are ideal.

10. Take a Break if Needed to Calm Down & Commit to Resuming Later

Go to a different room or space in the home to give yourself space to relax. Make a plan to return to the discussion when you both feel more at ease. This could be later the same day or perhaps another day or evening after you have some time to think about the issue. To fully resolve the issue, you must devote a sufficient amount of time.

11. Don’t Stonewall Your Partner

Stonewalling, shutting down and refusing to talk to your partner, is a really harsh way of existing in conflict. Shutting your partner out sends a message that you do not value their opinion and in a time of conflict, that can do much more damage and make the conflict worse. It’s important to refrain from stonewalling as it also leaves your partner feeling isolated and alone in conflict, which doesn’t help anyone.

12. Set Clear Boundaries: Do Not Yell, Degrade, Threaten, or Curse

Raising your voice, threatening to leave or end the relationship, or swearing at the other person can only cause further divide and distress. Depending on the severity of the issue, responding this way can eventually lead to a point of no return. It is best to set healthy boundaries, stay calm, and focus on the key issue at hand to avoid the risk of saying something you’ll regret.

13. Take Responsibility For Your Role In the Disagreement

This helps maintain accountability and allows you both to see where your own biases, struggles, and expectations come into play. By owning your challenges, it shows that you recognize that you may also need to make some adjustments. Both people need to work on the areas where they would like to improve.

14. Manage Feelings of Resentment

Holding grudges and resentment can be detrimental to your relationship. Try to proactively deal with the issue and then move on. Circling back to past issues and challenges can have a negative effect on your relationship.

15. Don’t Make Assumptions

Sometimes, we try to fill in the gaps based on what we assume the other person is thinking or feeling. However, our assumptions stem from our own personal experiences, beliefs, and values, which may greatly differ from someone else’s. Rather than making assumptions or trying to “mind read,” which can further increase our frustration and anger, ask the other person about their viewpoints, concerns, and needs.

16. Move On After Resolving a Problem

Try not to dwell on the issue once you’ve reached a resolution. Moving on from it allows you and the other person to focus on your future relationship goals while also growing and deepening your connection.

 

 

Perfectionism

Perfection doesn't exist, but that doesn't stop us from striving to reach it.

In some ways, perfectionism is a good motivator — it encourages you to work harder and smarter while continually improving your skillset. But if we take our quest for perfection to the extreme, unhappiness and damaged self-confidence arise.

Hurting ourselves in the process to improve isn't the answer. We're worthy, valuable, and capable regardless of our success.

What's perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a mental state where we force ourselves to act the best and make the best decisions at all times. Societal pressures, childhood upbringing, academic competition, and even social media influence how we view ourselves and think of perfection.

Perfectionism is a maladaptive practice. That is, this trait is typically more harmful than helpful because of unrealistic expectations.

Unfortunately, perfectionists tend to stress more and achieve less.

This mindset manifests in various environments and circumstances like the workplace, the classroom, sporting arenas and fields, romantic and platonic relationships, and even your physical appearance and hygiene. Perfectionistic behaviors are quite common among young people, especially in competitive environments.

If this description sounds all too familiar to you, know that you can take steps to find a better practice.

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The causes behind perfectionism

Perfectionism emerges from multiple psychosocial factors, including:

Intense feelings of inadequacy and the fear of disapproval.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), is an anxiety disorder that prompts uncontrollable repeated thoughts or behaviors. Perfectionism and OCD aren’t mutually exclusive.

Having a parent or guardian who pressures their children to be perfect.

Attachment issues from absent parental figures during youth. These individuals may strive to be perfect to obtain validation regarding their self-worth.

Forms of perfectionism

Perfectionism can present itself in one of three ways:

Self-oriented perfectionism: When the desire to be perfect is self-imposed, it’s considered “self-oriented.”

Other-oriented perfectionism: Holding other people to an impossibly high standard is also a form of perfectionism.

Socially-prescribed perfectionism: This occurs when individuals feel pressured to be perfect because they perceive high expectations from others, like on social media.

Signs you might be a perfectionist

If you’re unsure if you’re a perfectionist or not, here are some standard behavioral signs for you to keep an eye out for:

1. You're a high achiever

Shooting for the stars is great, but many perfectionists tend to have an all-or-nothing mindset when completing tasks. Even if your effort is recognized and praised, you’re never satisfied.

2. You're highly critical

Not only are perfectionists self-critical, but they hold others to a high standard. They have tunnel vision when it comes to flaws and mistakes. To them, “almost perfect” still means failure.

3. You're driven by fear

The fear of failure usually motivates perfectionists, since not reaching a goal is the worst-case scenario imaginable.

4. You have unrealistic standards

If you're unable to enjoy the journey or it's all about reaching the summit, it might skew your standards. Disappointment and various mental health issues like depression, self-harm, or eating disorders could manifest if you don't achieve your ambitions.

5. You procrastinate

Although this may seem surprising at first, perfectionists often procrastinate. Their fear of failure causes paralysis, preventing them from starting projects and tasks. Procrastination has many causes, but many cures, too.

6. You have low-self-esteem

If you achieve anything less than perfection, you feel upset and start to believe that you're incapable of achieving your goals. Low self-esteem impacts life satisfaction, your self-talk, and your relationship with others.

7. You're defensive

The thought of not being perfect is likely scary to you. You become defensive when thoughts or possibilities of not being perfect arise, especially in constructive feedback.

How does perfectionism manifest?

Perfectionism is everywhere. It finds a way to make a home in all sorts of environments and manifests from various places. You might think that perfectionism only applies at work or in your hobbies. But you carry perfectionistic tendencies wherever you go — even on vacation or at home.

Some examples of where perfectionism may manifest may include:

At school: Students of any age may manifest perfectionism at school. You might have wanted to build the largest toy castle at a young age, and you didn't stop until you accomplished that. Or in college, you wanted to receive the highest mark on the final exam, so you crammed as hard as you could. As a student, you felt like you needed to be the best at something, and if you failed, you felt you weren't talented or smart.

At home: Your home and upbringing help shape who you are. Perhaps your parents were strict and had high standards for you. They wanted you to behave a certain way or do chores exactly as they wanted. You felt like you needed to be perfect to feel their love or gain a sense of self-worth.

And when you didn't accomplish that, your parents didn't make you feel like you disappointed them.

On a personal level: Your standards for yourself could rise when you're doing something independently. Maybe you have a hobby, like building model planes, and you want to make them without flaws. Nobody else is encouraging you to be the best model plane builder than yourself, but it's personal for you.

Even though you have no consequences if you make mistakes, your fear of failure is still strong.

With routines: Your routines are important to you. In the morning, they help you start your day off strong, and in the evening, they help you relax. You want them to be done to perfection because you know how much you value them.

But your routines might further your perfectionism by making you feel incredibly dedicated to them, to the point where you make them the utmost priority.

At work: Let's say you're working at your dream company right now. But you don’t enjoy it, because everything you do must be perfect if you're living your dream. Perfectionism at work might look like putting in longer hours so your self-evaluation looks good or forcing your coworkers to redo work to fit your impossibly high standards.

If you're working toward a promotion, you might demand perfection out of yourself because that's how you believe you'll achieve it.

The effects of perfectionism

While perfectionism might make you stay up all night working on a project or doing things over again to make things to your liking, it also can lead to more harmful consequences. Other times, perfectionism follows after certain mental health issues. One study found that college students with social anxiety were more likely to become perfectionists than those who didn't have social anxiety.

Consequences of perfectionism include the following but aren't limited to:

Depression

Anxiety

Eating disorders like anorexia

Insomnia

Suicidal tendencies

PTSD

 Besides mental health issues, perfectionism also leads to habits that harm your well-being. Being a perfectionist can flood your brain with negative self-talk and self-doubt. It also pushes you until the point of burnout, and any imperfection causes more negative thoughts.

 These effects have consequences that threaten your physical health, too. And what might start as one issue might lead to other issues that impact your health. These will affect remind you how important it is to take care of your mental health and prioritize your well-being. If this sounds familiar, you might consider seeing a mental health professional address those concerns.

How to overcome perfectionism

Perfectionism isn’t good for your well-being. But you can practice many good habits to shift from an unhealthy self-image to a realistic one that reinforces how failing is okay.

1. Focus on the positives

Perfectionism can cause us to focus on the negative aspects of ourselves. Frequently — and consciously — thinking about what’s good in your life and your strengths is one of the first steps to overcoming perfectionist tendencies.

Not sure where to get started? Consider journaling, which is a fantastic way to record your positive thoughts. You can even look back on previous positives when you’re struggling.

2. Allow yourself to make mistakes

Show yourself some grace. Mistakes teach us about life and ourselves, and the most remarkable accomplishments often result from the worst mistakes.

3. Set more reasonable goals

Having unrealistic expectations sets you up for failure before you begin. Try splitting your largest goals into smaller sections to make them more attainable, and be realistic about how much you can achieve in a given period. Often, things don't need to be perfect, they need to be done. Don't let perfect become the enemy of the good.

Remember to have some self-compassion as you work toward your attainable goals. Sometimes things won’t go according to plan, but that doesn't mean you should beat yourself up. Even if you have high personal standards, self-compassion will remind you that you're putting your best efforts forward, even if they may seem small at the time.

One helpful strategy: begin your day with smaller tasks and work your way up. This helps build confidence as you check things off the to-do list.

 

4. Try to find the meaning in what you're doing

Seeing the meaning behind your tasks will inspire you more than just trying to accomplish the task perfectly. Doing things with a genuine heart gives us purpose and makes our jobs more fun and impactful.

5. Cut out negative influences

We should be skeptical of “hustle culture” that says resting or shortcomings are toxic. Movies, magazines, social media, and our friends and family can also reinforce perfectionism, even if they don’t intend to.

Try limiting the amount of time you spend consuming media or with people who negatively impact your mental well-being

The Lojong Training

 

INSITEintegrative.com

Ed Geraty LCSW-C, LICSW

 

The Lojong Training

Lojong training is a contemplative practice in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition which makes use of various lists of aphorisms or slogans which are used for contemplative practice.  The practice involves refining and purifying one's motivations and attitudes.

 

Point One: The preliminaries, which are the basis for dharma practice

Slogan 1. First, train in the preliminaries; The four reminders.or alternatively called the Four Thoughts.

1. Maintain an awareness of the preciousness of human life.

2. Be aware of the reality that life ends; death comes for everyone; Impermanence.

3. Recall that whatever you do, whether virtuous or not, has a result; Karma.

4. Contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will experience suffering. Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want does not result in happiness; Ego.

Point Two: The main practice, which is training in bodhicitta.

Absolute Bodhicitta

Slogan 2. Regard all dharmas as dreams; although experiences may seem solid, they are passing memories.

Slogan 3. Examine the nature of unborn awareness (awareness before Ego)

Slogan 4. Self-liberate even the antidote. (let go of the solutions)

Slogan 5. Rest in the nature of alaya, the essence, the present moment.

Slogan 6. In post-meditation, be a child of illusion.

Relative Bodhicitta

Slogan 7. Sending and taking should be practiced alternately. These two should ride the breath (i.e., practice Tonglen). Tonglen refers to visualizing oneself breathing in (taking) the suffering of beings, then breathing out (sending) one’s own well-being to alleviate that suffering.  

Slogan 8. Three objects, three poisons, three roots of virtue

The 3 objects are friends, enemies and neutrals.

The 3 poisons are craving, aversion and indifference.

The 3 roots of virtue (the absence of passion, aggression, and ignorance) are the remedies.

Slogan 9. In all activities, train with slogans.

Slogan 10. Begin the sequence of sending and taking with yourself.

Point Three: Transformation of Bad Circumstances into the Way of Enlightenment

 

Slogan 11. When the world is filled with evil, transform all mishaps into the path of bodhi.

Slogan 12. Drive all blames into one.

Slogan 13. Be grateful to everyone.

Slogan 14. Seeing confusion as the four kayas is unsurpassable Śūnyatā protection.

The kayas are the realization that thoughts have no birthplace, thoughts are unceasing, thoughts are not solid, and these three characteristics are interconnected. Śūnyatā can be described as "complete openness."

Slogan 15. Four practices are the best of methods.

The four practices are: accumulating merit, laying down evil deeds, offering to the dons, and offering to the dharmapalas. (Dons=Gods, A protector of Buddhist dharma is called a Dharmapala).

Slogan 16. Whatever you meet unexpectedly, join with meditation.

Point Four: Showing the Utilization of Practice in One's Whole Life

Slogan 17. Practice the five strengths, the condensed heart instructions.

The 5 strengths are: strong determination, familiarization, the positive seed, reproach, and aspiration.

Slogan 18. The Mahāyāna instruction for ejection of consciousness at death is the five strengths: how you conduct yourself is important.

When you are dying practice the 5 strengths.

Point Five: Evaluation of Mind Training

Slogan 19. All dharma agrees at one point—All Buddhist teachings are about lessening the ego, lessening one's self-absorption.

Slogan 20. Of the two witnesses, hold the principal one—You know yourself better than anyone else knows you

Slogan 21. Always maintain only a joyful mind.

Slogan 22. If you can practice even when distracted, you are well trained.

Point Six: Disciplines of Mind Training

Slogan 23. Always abide by the three basic principles—Dedication to your practice, refraining from outrageous conduct, developing patience.

Slogan 24. Change your attitude, but remain natural—Reduce ego clinging, but be yourself.

Slogan 25. Don't talk about injured limbs—Don't take pleasure contemplating others' defects.

Slogan 26. Don't ponder others—Don't take pleasure contemplating others' weaknesses.

Slogan 27. Work with the greatest defilements first—Work with your greatest obstacles first.

Slogan 28. Abandon any hope of fruition—Don't get caught up in how you will be in the future, stay in the present moment.

Slogan 29. Abandon poisonous food (animals)

Slogan 30. Don't be so predictable—Don't hold grudges.

Slogan 31. Don't malign others.

Slogan 32. Don't wait in ambush—Don't wait for others' weaknesses to show to attack them.

Slogan 33. Don't bring things to a painful point—Don't humiliate others.

Slogan 34. Don't transfer the ox's load to the cow—Take responsibility for yourself.

Slogan 35. Don't try to be the fastest—Don't compete with others.

Slogan 36. Don't act with a twist—Do good deeds without scheming about benefiting yourself.

Slogan 37. Don't turn gods into demons—Don't use these slogans or your spirituality to increase your self-absorption

Slogan 38. Don't seek others' pain as the limbs of your own happiness.

Point Seven: Guidelines of Mind Training

Slogan 39. All activities should be done with one intention.

Slogan 40. Correct all wrongs with one intention.

Slogan 41. Two activities: one at the beginning, one at the end.

Slogan 42. Whichever of the two occurs, be patient.

Slogan 43. Observe these two, even at the risk of your life.

Slogan 44. Train in the three difficulties (There are three difficulties. The first is seeing neurosis as neurosis, and the second is being willing to do something different. The third difficulty is the aspiration to make this a way of life.)

Slogan 45. Take on the three principal causes: the teacher, the dharma, the sangha (community)

Slogan 46. Pay heed that the three never wane: gratitude towards one's teacher, appreciation of the dharma (teachings) and correct conduct.

Slogan 47. Keep the three inseparable: body, speech, and mind.

Slogan 48. Train without bias in all areas. It is crucial always to do this pervasively and wholeheartedly.

Slogan 49. Always meditate on whatever provokes resentment.

Slogan 50. Don't be swayed by external circumstances.

Slogan 51. This time, practice the main points: others before self, dharma, and awakening compassion.

Slogan 52. Don't misinterpret.

The six things that may be misinterpreted are patience, yearning, excitement, compassion, priorities and joy. You're patient when you're getting your way, but not when its difficult. You yearn for worldly things, instead of an open heart and mind. You get excited about wealth and entertainment, instead of your potential for enlightenment. You have compassion for those you like, but none for those you don't. Worldly gain is your priority rather than cultivating loving-kindness and compassion. You feel joy when your enemies suffer, and do not rejoice in others' good fortune.

Slogan 53. Don't vacillate (in your practice of Lojong).

Slogan 54. Train wholeheartedly.

Slogan 55. Liberate yourself by examining and analyzing: Know your own mind with honesty and fearlessness.

Slogan 56. Don't wallow in self-pity.

Slogan 57. Don't be jealous.

Slogan 58. Don't be frivolous.

Slogan 59. Don't expect applause.