Vicarious Trauma

 

Vicarious Trauma

Ed Geraty LCSW-C

INSITEintegrative.com

 

The darkest parts of reality continue to unfold with wars and disasters — millions face pain, suffering, separation, fear, loss, hunger, thirst, disease, and desperation. It’s beyond devastating.

Bearing witness to these experiences is nothing like being on the ground, but can be unrelenting in its own right. And, never has there been so much coverage of terror and horror on social media. The pictures. The details. The heinous acts. The constant exposure. The accompanying slurs.

It can evoke deep sadness, significant stress, and vicarious trauma that is far-reaching and potentially long-lasting.

What is vicarious trauma?

Events can negatively affect people a world away from the scene, especially when this involves witnessing fear, pain, grief, and terror that others have experienced. This is the “cost of caring”:  We empathize with victims and this can cause us to  “feel their pain.” We may also feel directly threatened, especially when we relate in some way to those most impacted—“this could be me” or “this will be me.” 

We feel helpless to do anything.

Our attitudes and worldviews shift after exposure to distressing images of these events. This is vicarious trauma—the psychological impact of second-hand exposure to traumatic events. If left unrecognized and, in some cases, untreated, it can lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD, social withdrawal, substance abuse, or suicidal thoughts.

Prevalence varies because of variation in how vicarious trauma is measured and where it’s been studied. But, perhaps most importantly, the extent of suffering depends on the dose of exposure and socio-demographic predisposing factors.

Dose: Media exposure matters

Widespread media coverage of war, and particularly terrorism, has harmful effects on mental and physical health. And the more you interact with social media and television, the worse its impact. We’ve seen this over and over in the literature from other events:  In a 2014 Israeli study, the higher the media exposure during terror attacks, the higher the distress and post-traumatic stress symptoms levels. After 9/11, those who watched 4+ hours of TV coverage daily were more likely to experience acute stress. After 9/11, frequent early exposure to 9/11-related television predicted posttraumatic stress symptoms and physical health problems two to three years later.

After the Boston Marathon bombings, repeated bombing-related media was associated with higher stress than direct exposure. Acute stress steadily increased with additional hours of media exposure.

Unfortunately, most research has focused on television exposure.. Of course, the information landscape has changed. Social media is not unfiltered, mis/disinformation is rampant, and exposure can be unexpected (for example, encountering gruesome photos while scrolling through feeds of pets).

 

Some recent studies have tried to fill the space. One simulation study found community PTSD prevalence almost doubled after social media video sharing of a terror attack compared to television.

Socio-demographic predictors

Everyone can experience vicarious trauma, but certain socio-demographic groups are  at higher risk: Shared social identity with victims. For example, a study on the Pulse nightclub terror attack, which occurred on Latin night, found Hispanics and LGBTQ individuals were more likely to develop acute stress through media exposure than other demographics.

. Pre-event traumatic exposure and/or traumatic loss. Your experience before an event significantly impacts how you experience a current event. One study found direct exposure to 9/11 or Sandy Hook was more likely to cause acute stress after the Boston Marathon bombing.

What can we do?

Of course, social media use can be a positive force too, like increasing social connectedness. One study found that social media was protective against vicarious trauma when the content was focused on heroic acts and viewing information about the conflict itself (rather than the suffering).  There are a number of things we can do to reduce vicarious trauma while remaining up-to-date on news:

Turn off auto-play videos on social media.

Walk away from social media after a time. Put on a timer.

Pay attention to how you’re feelings. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, do activities that make you feel calm or relaxed.

Seek social support. Being around other people who care about you is one of the best ways to reduce stress.

Talk to someone you trust. This can be a family member, a friend, clergy, or a therapist.

Find ways to feel useful. This can include donating to causes that help address the needs of those suffering or even just reaching out to a neighbor or friend who is struggling.

If you have children, monitor what they’re seeing or hearing. As overwhelming as the media exposure is for adults, it can be even more confusing and stressful for kids. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network is a helpful resource for discussing war with kids.

Bottom line

Being witness to terrorist attacks and war can set off a cascade of collective trauma that results in physical, mental, and emotional impairment for thousands; far more extensive and for far longer than we may think. If you’re hurting, overwhelmed, and exhausted, you’re not alone.

 

Info gathered from ptsduk.org

Fair Fighting Rules

 

                                                                  Fair Fighting Rules

 

Rules or guidelines for fighting fair may help you come away from an argument or conflict with a better understanding of yourself, the other person, and both of your goals and needs. Rules include things like being open, staying focused, and sharing your emotions.

Here are sixteen rules for fair fighting

1. Stay Focused On the Issue at Hand

When an issue is escalating, try to keep your discussion streamlined. Doing so minimizes the likelihood that you will bring non-related issues into the conversation, which can only lead to further distress and irritation. By not bringing up past hurts and conflicts, you give yourself a better chance at resolving the current issue and moving forward with your future.

2. Talk Openly About the Problem

Shutting down, not fully engaging with the other person, and not devoting sufficient time to the matter won’t lead to a resolution. Make sure you give each other enough time and space to talk through the problem so everyone feels heard, respected, valued, and supported.

3. Share Your Feelings & Emotions

Are you angry? Sad? Scared? Frustrated? Lonely? Tell the other person how you are feeling. This promotes emotional intimacy and bonding. Showing vulnerability will keep you from becoming closed off from one another.

4. Listen to Each Other Without Interrupting & Pay Attention to Body Language

Listening to each other without interruption allows both people to get their points across clearly and demonstrates mutual appreciation. Also, notice the other person’s facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, speed of speech, and body positioning. Similarly, pay attention to your own body language in a tense situation.

5. Respect the Other Person’s Perspective

Even if you don’t agree with the other person, respect their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and ideas about how to move forward. Getting outside of your own mindset will help you see things from another point of view and can help you both take that first step toward positive change.

6. Reach a Compromise or Problem-solve to Find a Solution Together

You both might start to dig your heels into the ground about being “right.” Remember, there is no right or wrong, and insisting there is only further drives a wedge between you. Focus on reaching a mutually agreed upon compromise or solution that you can both feel good about.

7. Be Open About Your Needs, Expectations, Hopes, & Goals

Try being open about what you need in the relationship, your expectations, and your hopes and goals for the future (e.g., living situation, travel, family composition, career aspirations, financial goals, retirement, etc.). These are all things that you will want to get on the same page about to reduce the likelihood of future arguments and misunderstandings.

8. Focus On Issues That Are a Priority For You Both & Leave the Rest

Let go of matters that aren’t a huge priority for you; instead, devote more time to the core concerns that you both feel need to be addressed.

9. Be Mindful of the Time You Choose to Discuss a Problem

Starting an important discussion at the end of the day or early in the morning may not be the best idea. Consider discussing the problem at a time of day when you both feel like you can discuss the matter without too much interruption, a time when your focus, attention, and energy levels are ideal.

10. Take a Break if Needed to Calm Down & Commit to Resuming Later

Go to a different room or space in the home to give yourself space to relax. Make a plan to return to the discussion when you both feel more at ease. This could be later the same day or perhaps another day or evening after you have some time to think about the issue. To fully resolve the issue, you must devote a sufficient amount of time.

11. Don’t Stonewall Your Partner

Stonewalling, shutting down and refusing to talk to your partner, is a really harsh way of existing in conflict. Shutting your partner out sends a message that you do not value their opinion and in a time of conflict, that can do much more damage and make the conflict worse. It’s important to refrain from stonewalling as it also leaves your partner feeling isolated and alone in conflict, which doesn’t help anyone.

12. Set Clear Boundaries: Do Not Yell, Degrade, Threaten, or Curse

Raising your voice, threatening to leave or end the relationship, or swearing at the other person can only cause further divide and distress. Depending on the severity of the issue, responding this way can eventually lead to a point of no return. It is best to set healthy boundaries, stay calm, and focus on the key issue at hand to avoid the risk of saying something you’ll regret.

13. Take Responsibility For Your Role In the Disagreement

This helps maintain accountability and allows you both to see where your own biases, struggles, and expectations come into play. By owning your challenges, it shows that you recognize that you may also need to make some adjustments. Both people need to work on the areas where they would like to improve.

14. Manage Feelings of Resentment

Holding grudges and resentment can be detrimental to your relationship. Try to proactively deal with the issue and then move on. Circling back to past issues and challenges can have a negative effect on your relationship.

15. Don’t Make Assumptions

Sometimes, we try to fill in the gaps based on what we assume the other person is thinking or feeling. However, our assumptions stem from our own personal experiences, beliefs, and values, which may greatly differ from someone else’s. Rather than making assumptions or trying to “mind read,” which can further increase our frustration and anger, ask the other person about their viewpoints, concerns, and needs.

16. Move On After Resolving a Problem

Try not to dwell on the issue once you’ve reached a resolution. Moving on from it allows you and the other person to focus on your future relationship goals while also growing and deepening your connection.

 

 

Understanding the nature of conflicts in relationships

 

Understanding the nature of conflicts in relationships

Conflicts are a natural part of personal relationships, and understanding their nature can help navigate them more effectively. Here are some key aspects to consider when it comes to conflicts in personal relationships:

Differences and perspectives: Conflicts often arise due to differences in opinions, values, needs, or expectations. Recognize that each person brings their unique perspective shaped by their experiences, beliefs, and personality. Understanding and respecting these differences is crucial for resolving conflicts.

Communication breakdown: Miscommunication or ineffective communication can escalate conflicts. Reflect on how the conflict started, the words or actions that triggered it, and how the message was delivered. Be mindful of your own communication style and actively listen to the other person to better understand their viewpoint.

Emotional undercurrents: Emotions play a significant role in conflicts. Strong emotions such as anger, frustration, fear, or hurt can intensify conflicts and hinder resolution. It is important to acknowledge and manage your emotions, as well as recognize and validate the emotions of the other person involved in the conflict.

Core needs and values: Conflicts often emerge when core needs or values are not being met. Identifying and articulating these needs and values can provide insights into the underlying issues fueling the conflict. Seek to understand the fundamental concerns and motivations of both parties involved.

Power dynamics: Power imbalances or perceived imbalances can contribute to conflicts. Consider how power dynamics may be influencing the conflict and be aware of any power struggles that might be occurring. Strive for equal and respectful communication, where both parties feel heard and valued.

Timing and context: Conflicts can be influenced by external factors such as stress, fatigue, or situational pressures. Consider the timing and context in which the conflict arises. Sometimes, postponing a discussion until both parties are in a more calm and receptive state can lead to more productive resolutions.

Relationship patterns: Conflict patterns can develop within relationships, where similar conflicts occur repeatedly. Reflect on any recurring themes or patterns in conflicts to identify underlying issues that need to be addressed. Recognize the role each person plays in the dynamic and be willing to break unhelpful patterns for healthier resolutions.

Empathy and perspective-taking: Cultivating empathy and practicing perspective-taking can enhance conflict resolution. Try to understand the other person's emotions, needs, and motivations. Put yourself in their shoes and consider how you would feel or react if you were in their position. This helps foster understanding and compassion, facilitating resolution.

Remember that conflicts can provide opportunities for growth and strengthening relationships when approached constructively. It's important to address conflicts with respect, open-mindedness, and a willingness to find mutually satisfactory solutions. Effective communication, active listening, and a focus on collaboration can help navigate conflicts and build stronger personal relationships.

 

Learning constructive approaches to conflict resolution

Learning constructive approaches to conflict resolution is essential for fostering healthy relationships and resolving conflicts in a positive and productive manner. Here are some constructive strategies you can employ:

Open and respectful communication: Create a safe space for open and honest communication. Listen actively to the other person's perspective without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Use "I" statements to express your own feelings and needs, promoting understanding and empathy.

Seek to understand: Strive to understand the underlying interests, needs, and concerns of all parties involved. Put yourself in their shoes and try to see the situation from their perspective. This empathetic approach helps to create a foundation for finding mutually agreeable solutions.

Focus on the problem, not the person: Separate the person from the problem. Avoid personal attacks or blame, as it can escalate conflicts. Instead, direct the discussion towards identifying and addressing the specific issues at hand. Use language that emphasizes collaboration and finding common ground.

Generate options: Brainstorm and explore various possible solutions together. Encourage creativity and open-mindedness. Be willing to consider alternative perspectives and approaches. Strive for win-win solutions that meet the needs of all parties involved as much as possible.

Compromise and flexibility: Recognize that conflicts often require compromise from all sides. Be open to finding middle ground and making concessions where necessary. Flexibility and willingness to adapt can contribute to resolving conflicts more effectively.

Active problem-solving: Once potential solutions are identified, work together to evaluate their feasibility and potential outcomes. Consider the pros and cons of each option. Collaboratively select and implement the solution that seems most appropriate and fair.

Take breaks when needed: If emotions run high or the discussion becomes unproductive, it may be helpful to take a break. Step away from the situation temporarily to calm down, gain perspective, and reapproach the conflict with a clearer mind.

Seek mediation or professional help if needed: In complex or deeply entrenched conflicts, seeking the assistance of a mediator or a professional counselor can be beneficial. They can provide guidance, facilitate communication, and offer strategies tailored to your specific situation.

Learn from the conflict: Reflect on the conflict and the resolution process. Consider what you have learned about yourself, the other person, and the relationship. Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and to strengthen the relationship going forward.

Remember that constructive conflict resolution takes time, patience, and a willingness to collaborate. It requires a focus on the issues at hand rather than personal attacks, and a commitment to finding mutually beneficial solutions. By practicing these strategies, you can navigate conflicts in a constructive manner and promote healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Developing compromise and negotiation skills

Developing compromise and negotiation skills is crucial for effective conflict resolution and building harmonious relationships. Here are some strategies to help you enhance your compromise and negotiation abilities:

Understand your interests and priorities: Before entering into a negotiation, clarify your own interests, needs, and priorities. This self-awareness will enable you to communicate your goals more effectively and identify potential areas for compromise.

Listen actively: Actively listen to the other party's perspective and seek to understand their interests and concerns. Pay attention to both their verbal and nonverbal cues. Demonstrating genuine interest and empathy can foster an atmosphere of trust and collaboration.

Identify common ground: Look for shared interests and common goals between you and the other party. Finding common ground provides a foundation for building agreement and compromise. Emphasize these shared interests to create a mutually beneficial outcome.

Explore multiple options: Generate a variety of potential solutions that address both parties' interests. Encourage creativity and open-mindedness in considering different alternatives. Brainstorming and exploring various options can lead to innovative and satisfying solutions.

Trade-offs and concessions: Recognize that compromise often involves trade-offs and concessions. Be prepared to make concessions on less critical issues in order to gain agreement on more important ones. Prioritize your interests and identify areas where you can be flexible.

Effective communication: Clearly and assertively communicate your needs and interests, using respectful and constructive language. Use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings. Be open to feedback and willing to adjust your approach based on the other party's input.

Problem-solving mindset: Approach negotiations with a problem-solving mindset rather than a win-lose mentality. Collaborate with the other party to find solutions that meet the needs of both sides. View the negotiation process as an opportunity for mutual benefit and relationship growth.

Seek win-win outcomes: Aim for win-win outcomes where both parties feel satisfied and their interests are met to a reasonable extent. Strive to create agreements that maximize joint gains and maintain the overall health of the relationship.

Manage emotions effectively: Emotions can impact negotiations. Be aware of your emotions and their potential influence on your decision-making process. Stay calm, composed, and respectful, even in the face of disagreements or challenges. Practice emotional self-regulation techniques to maintain a constructive atmosphere.

Continuous learning and practice: Enhancing compromise and negotiation skills is an ongoing process. Seek opportunities to practice these skills in various contexts. Reflect on your experiences, learn from each negotiation, and continuously refine your approach.

Remember, compromise and negotiation require active participation, flexibility, and a willingness to understand and respect the needs of others. By honing these skills, you can foster productive and mutually beneficial outcomes in various personal and professional situations.

 

Neurodiverse couples

Neurodiverse couples are those where one or both partners have a neurological condition that affects their communication, social interaction, and sensory processing. These conditions can include autism spectrum disorder, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dyslexia, and others. Being in a neurodiverse couple can pose unique challenges, but it can also offer unique strengths.

One of the primary challenges that neurodiverse couples face is difficulty with communication. Individuals with neurological conditions often have different communication styles and may struggle to understand each other's perspectives. This can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and feelings of frustration and isolation for both partners.

In addition, neurodiverse couples may struggle with social cues and sensory sensitivities. They may have difficulty understanding and responding appropriately to nonverbal communication, such as facial expressions or body language. Sensory processing difficulties can also make it challenging to navigate certain environments, such as crowded or noisy spaces.

Despite these challenges, neurodiverse couples can also have unique strengths. For example, individuals with neurological conditions may have a unique perspective on the world and be highly creative. They may also be honest and direct in their communication, which can be a strength in a relationship.

To navigate the challenges of a neurodiverse relationship, effective communication is essential. Both partners need to be willing to learn each other's communication styles and to find ways to effectively communicate with each other. This may involve using more explicit language, breaking down complex concepts into smaller parts, and being patient with each other.

It can also be helpful for neurodiverse couples to set clear boundaries around communication and other aspects of the relationship. For example, they may establish specific times to check in with each other and communicate their needs and boundaries clearly. This can help to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts and ensure that both partners feel respected and understood.

Another important aspect of navigating a neurodiverse relationship is understanding and accommodating each other's needs. This may involve making changes to the physical environment, such as creating a quiet space for a partner with sensory sensitivities, or adapting activities to suit both partners' preferences and abilities.

Neurodiverse couples can benefit from connecting with other neurodiverse individuals and couples. Support groups and online communities can provide a sense of belonging and offer opportunities to learn from others who have similar experiences.

In addition to these practical strategies, there are also important emotional considerations for neurodiverse couples. Both partners may experience feelings of frustration, isolation, and anxiety related to their neurological conditions and the challenges they face in their relationship. It's important for both partners to be patient and understanding with each other and to seek help if they are struggling with their emotional well-being.

Games Couples Play in Couples Therapy

 

Games In Couples Therapy

1. The Blame Game: One partner places responsibility for problems or conflicts on the other partner, rather than taking responsibility for their own actions or contributions to the issue.

2. The Silent Treatment: One partner withholds communication or refuses to engage in dialogue as a way to punish or manipulate the other partner.

3. Stonewalling: One partner shuts down or becomes non-responsive when confronted with difficult topics or conflicts, effectively ending the discussion.

4. The Martyr: One partner portrays themselves as the victim in the relationship, constantly putting the needs of the other partner before their own and sacrificing their own well-being.

5. The Rescuer: One partner constantly tries to fix or solve the problems of the other partner, often enabling unhealthy behaviors or codependency in the process.

6. The Avoidance Game: One or both partners avoid discussing or addressing conflicts or problems in the relationship, choosing instead to sweep issues under the rug or distract with other topics.

7. The Criticism Game: One partner consistently criticizes or belittles the other, rather than offering constructive feedback or support.

8. The Control Game: One partner attempts to control the actions or decisions of the other partner, rather than allowing for autonomy and independence in the relationship.

It is important to recognize when these games are being played in a relationship and to work on communicating and interacting in a healthier, more constructive way. Couples therapy can help individuals identify these patterns and learn new ways of communicating and relating to each other

Object Relations and Adult Relationships

 by Ed Geraty LCSW-C. 

Object Relations Theory and Adult Relationships

One of the key ideas of object relations theory is the concept of the "internal object." This refers to the mental representation of people and relationships that an individual develops in their mind. These internal objects are based on real-life relationships, but they are not identical to the actual people involved. They are a sort of "template" that an individual uses to make sense of their relationships and to guide their behavior in future relationships.

The quality of an individual's early relationships with their primary caregivers has a significant impact on the development of their internal objects. If the caregivers are loving and supportive, the individual is more likely to develop positive internal objects, which can lead to more healthy and satisfying relationships as an adult. On the other hand, if the caregivers are neglectful or abusive, the individual is more likely to develop negative internal objects, which can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships as an adult.

One of the key challenges for adults in relationships is the need to balance their own needs and desires with those of their partner. This can be particularly difficult for individuals who have developed negative internal objects, as they may have difficulty trusting others and may be more prone to feelings of insecurity and anxiety in their relationships.

Another important factor in adult relationships is the ability to effectively communicate and express one's needs and feelings. This can be challenging for individuals who have not had healthy role models for communication in their early relationships, as they may lack the necessary skills and confidence to effectively express themselves.

Overall, object relations theory emphasizes the importance of early interpersonal relationships in shaping an individual's approach to relationships and the ways in which they relate to others. By understanding the role that early relationships play in shaping an individual's personality and behavior, it is possible to better understand the challenges and opportunities that arise in adult relationships