Self-Compassion Exercises

 

                                                       Self-Compassion Exercises

How Would You Treat a Friend?

Perhaps the single best way to provoke compassion for yourself is through this exercise: treating yourself like a good friend.

 

It’s usually easy to give our friends love, compassion, and understanding, even when they fail or make a mistake. It can be much harder to extend that same understanding and compassion to ourselves when we make a mistake.

 

Follow these instructions to start showing yourself more compassion:

 

First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about them or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.

 

Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

 

Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

 

Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

An exercise like this can be a first step toward treating yourself like a good friend – not just for a quick, 10-minute exercise, but for life.

 

Self-Compassion Break

Another good exercise to help you improve your understanding and love for yourself is the Self-Compassion Break. It will only take a few minutes, but it can make a big difference.

 

To begin, bring to mind a situation in your life that is causing you stress or pain. Think about this situation and how it makes you feel, both emotionally and physically.

 

When you have this situation in mind and get in touch with the feelings associated with it, say the following things to yourself:

 

“This is a moment of suffering.”

This will activate mindfulness; other options include “This hurts,” “This is stress,” and, simply, “Ouch.”

“Suffering is a part of life.”

Saying this helps you realize that you have this in common with all other human beings on the planet – suffering is an unavoidable part of life. You can follow this by putting your hands over your heart or using whatever soothing self-touch feels right to you. Other options include saying “Other people feel this way,” “I’m not alone,” or “We all struggle in our lives.”

“May I be kind to myself.”

 

Alternatively, you can use other phrases that may apply better in your current situation, such as “May I forgive myself” or “May I be patient.”

 

Great relief can come from simply affirming that you are experiencing suffering, a difficult but natural part of life, and stating your intention to be kind, patient, or accepting of yourself.

 

Exploring Self-Compassion Through Writing

This three-part exercise can be especially helpful for those who like to write or are particularly adept at expressing themselves via the written word. However, even if you’re not a proficient writer, this exercise is a great opportunity to practice some self-compassion.

 

Follow the instructions below to try your hand at self-compassion through writing.

 

Part one

First, think about the imperfections that make you feel inadequate. Everyone has at least a few things they don’t like about themselves or makes them feel “not good enough.”

 

Consider these things that you feel insecure about. If there is one issue that is particularly salient for you at the moment, focus on this insecurity.

 

Note how you feel when you think about it. Notice the emotions that come up, and let yourself experience them. We are so often desperate to avoid feeling anything negative, but negative feelings are an inherent part of life. Additionally, negative feelings can often provoke positive outcomes, like self-compassion.

 

Simply feel the emotions that thinking about your insecurity dredges up, then write about them.

 

Part two

Once you have written about these emotions, you can move on to the second part of this exercise: writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend.

 

This exercise will call upon your tendency to show compassion and understanding to your friends, and encourage you to apply it to yourself as well.

 

Imagine a friend who is unconditionally loving, kind, compassionate, and accepting. Next, imagine they have all of your strengths and all of your weaknesses, including the feelings of inadequacy you just wrote about.

 

Think about how this friend feels about you: They love you, accept you, and act kindly toward you. Even when you make a mistake or do something hurtful, this friend is quick to forgive and understand.

 

Not only is this friend completely understanding and compassionate, but they know all about your life. They know how you got to where you are, they know about all the millions of little choices that you made along the way, and they understand that several factors have contributed to the person you are today.

 

Write a letter from the perspective of this imaginary, unconditionally loving friend. Focus the letter on the inadequacies you wrote about in part one. Think about what this all-compassionate friend would say to you.

 

Would they tell you that you must be perfect, and any weakness is unacceptable? Or would this friend tell you that they understand why you feel that way, but that we are all human and imperfect?

 

Would they berate you for your feelings of insecurity or inadequacy? Or would they encourage you to accept yourself as you are, and remind you of your strengths?

 

Write this letter with the friend’s feelings for you in mind; make sure that their love, compassion, and kindness are at the forefront of their message to you.

 

Part three

Once you finish the letter, put it down and walk away for a while. Give yourself some space from the letter.

 

When you come back, read it again – but read it with the intention to really let the words sink in. Don’t read it as a note that you wrote a few minutes or hours ago; read it as if it is really from this unconditionally loving friend.

 

Open yourself up to their compassion and let yourself experience it, soothing and comforting you. Allow their compassion to sink into you and become your own compassion for yourself.

 

Changing Your Critical Self-Talk

This exercise is meant to be practiced over the long term and will require several sessions to be truly impactful on your compassion for yourself. It is vital that you keep up on these three steps, but the reward for doing so will be well worth the time you spent.

 

There are three steps to this exercise that you will repeat several times.

 

Step one

In step one, all you need to do is notice when you are being critical of yourself and take note of the words, tone, phrases, etc., you use with yourself. It’s easy to be critical of ourselves, but it’s harder to notice all of these factors. You will likely have trouble noticing these things the first or second time you try, but don’t give up! It will get easier the more you practice it.

 

The goal of this step is to simply get a sense of how you talk to yourself when you are criticizing yourself or being negative about yourself. It is not only practically challenging to get a sense of how you talk to yourself, it can also be emotionally challenging to confront the reality of how you talk to yourself.

 

It might bring up a lot of difficult or intense emotions, but remember that the next two steps are meant to help you become more positive about yourself. You’ll get there!

 

Step two

In step one, you begin to challenge the negative self-talk. Begin to “talk back” to the critical voice in your head. Don’t take on the same critical tone with this voice in your head. Although you may want to be nasty to this voice, that will just encourage self-judgment instead of self-compassion!

 

Tell the voice that you understand that the voice is nervous, anxious, or worried about getting hurt, but that it is causing you unnecessary pain. Ask the critical voice to allow your compassionate self to speak for a few moments.

 

Step three

Finally, work on reframing the observations made by the critical voice. Put them in a more positive perspective, perhaps with the help of the “unconditionally compassionate” friend from the last exercise. Instead of allowing the critical voice to berate you for a choice you made, put on your “self-compassionate” or “compassionate friend” hat and view the situation with a focus on the positive.

 

For instance, if you feel horrible for saying something mean to a friend, don’t allow your critical voice to have full control in your mind. Let your compassionate self take over and say something like, “I know you made a mean comment to your friend and that you feel bad about it. You thought it might feel good to get that off your chest, but you just felt worse after.

 

I want you to be happy, so please think about calling your friend and apologizing. It will feel good to make up with her.”

 

You can even pair this positive self-talk with loving physical gestures, like stroking your arm or giving yourself a hug. However you do it, engaging in this kind of positive self-talk will help you to start being more kind to yourself, which will eventually lead to genuine feelings of warmth and love for yourself.

 

 

Identifying What We Really Want

Another three-part exercise can help you to figure out what you want and motivate yourself to achieve it in a healthy and effective way. This exercise also must be practiced regularly to experience the full benefits it can offer.

 

Part one

Piggy-backing off of the previous exercise, step one of this exercise concerns your negative self-talk and its harmful impact on you. You may not immediately connect any harmful outcomes to this negative self-talk, but you can be sure that constant streams of critical self-talk make your head a toxic and inhospitable place.

 

Think about what you tend to criticize yourself for, perhaps in the hopes that being hard on yourself will motivate you to change. Open yourself up to the emotional pain that this criticism causes and offer yourself compassion for the feeling of being judged.

 

Part two

In the next phase, challenge yourself to come up with a more kind, caring way to motivate yourself. Consider how you would encourage a close friend or family member. Think about how a wise and nurturing parent, teacher, or mentor would tell you that your behavior is not helping you to reach your goals, and recommend new ways to move closer to them.

 

Come up with the most supportive message you can think of that mirrors your underlying wish to be happy, healthy, and productive.

 

Part three

Whenever you catch yourself criticizing or being judgmental towards yourself, repeat step one. Open yourself up to the feelings that these thoughts bring. Then, offer yourself compassion for experiencing this kind of judgment.

 

Once you have shown yourself compassion, try to reframe your inner dialogue, as you did in step two. Use the encouraging and supportive voice instead of the critical voice, and offer yourself understanding and actionable suggestions for positive change. Remind yourself that love is a much more powerful motivator than fear!