Codependency and Anxious Attachment

 

Codependency and Anxious Attachment

Codependency often has you funneling your energy into supporting the people in your life without making space for — or even considering — what you need for yourself

The signs of codependency typically include putting your own needs on the back burner to prioritize somebody else.

The main sign of codependency is consistently elevating the needs of others above your own. Other signs include controlling behaviors, self-sacrifice, and fear of rejection. But these aren’t the only ones.

Understanding what codependency really is and recognizing the signs of codependency in your behavior is an important first step toward building healthy boundaries and honoring your own needs.

What is codependency?

Codependency is a way of behaving in relationships where you persistently prioritize someone else over you, and you assess your mood based on how they behave.

The more you focus on providing the support you believe others need, the more heavily they may begin to lean on you. Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to disentangle yourself.

Codependent traits can eventually:

lead to a disconnect from your own needs and desires

promote unhealthy relationship dynamics

affect self-worth and overall well-being

Experts originally introduced the term “codependency” in the 1940s to help describe specific behavior patterns they noticed in partners and family members of people living with alcohol use disorder.

By this original definition, “codependent” might describe loved ones who “enabled” alcohol use, and the signs included:

making excuses

hiding the alcohol use

protecting the person from any fallout or consequences of their actions

However, today experts agree that codependency has a more nuanced and complex meaning — and can show up in many situations, not just ones involving substance use.

“Codependency refers to any enmeshed relationship in which one person loses their sense of independence and believes they need to tend to someone else,” Botnick explains.

According to a 2018 research review, patterns of codependent behavior generally involve four main themes:

self-sacrifice

a tendency to focus on others

a need for control, which may fuel conflict

difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions

These themes can show up across various types of relationships — and even in the way you relate to yourself.

How to know someone is codependent: Main signs

Codependency isn’t considered a mental health condition, and experts have yet to outline specific diagnostic criteria for it. There is, however, some general agreement on what codependency usually involves.

Common signs of codependency include:

a deep-seated need for approval from others

self-worth that depends on what others think about you

a habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to earn praise or lighten a loved one’s burden

a tendency to apologize or take on blame in order to keep the peace

a pattern of avoiding conflict

a tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires

excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors

a habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved ones

a mood that reflects how others feel, rather than your own emotions

guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself

doing things you don’t really want to do, simply to make others happy

idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining relationships that leave you unfulfilled

overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment

With codependency, the need to support others goes beyond what’s generally considered healthy.

If you behave in codependent ways, you don’t just offer support temporarily, such as when a loved one faces a setback. Instead, you tend to focus on caretaking and caring for others to the point that you begin to define yourself in relation to their needs.

Codependency vs. dependency

Some level of dependency is healthy in relationships. It may be tough to make it through life alone, and most people thrive with companionship and social support.

 

Interdependent relationships work better for both people involved. In other words, partners depend on each other. This means you don’t just focus on their needs or draw your value from self-sacrifice, but you’re available to support them when needed.

A healthy, supportive relationship involves listening, striving to understand, and keeping in mind the concerns of another person. Codependency is when that caring behavior crosses the line into trying to direct or control them.

Occasionally depending on others — and allowing them to depend on you — for help and support is perfectly valid. You can depend on someone for some things while still maintaining your own identity and sense of self.

Healthy dependence also means you:

state your own needs and desires

ask for support when you find yourself struggling

feel safe and comfortable expressing your own needs

let others know when they’re asking too much of you without worrying they’ll reject you

In short, you support others — but not at the expense of your own needs.

All of us learned how to form attachments to friends, family, and loved ones growing up — but not all of us learned equally healthy ways of relating to people.

The family systems we grew up in demonstrated to us how to form bonds.

While some people learned how to have healthy attachments to people in our lives, others learned codependency based on how they were treated and cared for or neglected. This is what psychologists refer to as attachment theory.

If caregivers were absent, dismissed your emotions, or taught you that you needed to act a specific way to earn love and approval, there’s a good chance you may be codependent in your relationships.

“Children who grow up to be codependent tend to grow up in families where they did get a certain amount of good loving contact: hugging, kissing, rocking, and holding from a parent. However, at other times, the parent was not emotionally available to them,” Gabrielle Usatynski, MA, LPC, a psychotherapist, explains.

“In other words, the child would feel emotionally abandoned by the parent at times. This naturally produces a lot of anxiety around a fear of abandonment when this child becomes an adult.”

Therefore, codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships.

People who are codependent feel a strong pull toward validation and self-worth from others.

Therapists who spoke to Healthline agree that the best kind of relationship to aim for is interdependency, which is where both partners value the emotional bond and benefits of the relationship but can maintain a separate sense of self and personal happiness.

Simply learning how to be more independent is not as simple as deciding to change the kinds of relationships you have.

Codependency can be hinged on attachment trauma. This can lead a person to question if they’re loved and worthy, if others are and can be available and responsive to them, and if the world is safe for them.

Using your partner as a way to have an identity is an unhealthy form of dependency,” Judy Ho, PhD, clinical and forensic neuropsychologist, tells Healthline. “If your partner is thriving, so are you. If your partner fails, then you do too.

You do everything to try to keep your partner happy. You keep saving them from self-destructive acts or clean up all their messes to try to get them to stay in the relationship.

This self-sacrificing nature is typical of codependency and can lead to significant relational issues.

“You are so afraid of losing your partner that you would put up with terrible, even abusive, behaviors from them just to keep them in your life,” Ho explains.

That’s where attachment trauma comes in. Here’s how it may be showing up for you:

Attachment style	How you show up	Examples
Dismissive-avoidant	You tend to be distant from others in order to hide your true feelings and avoid rejection.	burying yourself in your work to create distance between yourself and others; withdrawing from your relationships when conflict arises
Anxious-preoccupied	You tend to feel more insecure in relationships, fearful of being alone.	becoming “clingy” when things are difficult with a partner; assuming the worst, like a loved one might be sick or is likely to leave
Anxious-avoidant	You crave closeness with others, but withdraw when things become serious or intimate.	pushing people away when they try to take care of you, testing their loyalty; being overly critical of partners to justify leaving

Experiencing codependency and unhealthy attachment styles doesn’t mean you’re a lost cause.

You actually can unlearn these patterns. It starts with building your self-concept outside of and apart from others. For some of us (especially those with dismissive-avoidant traits), this also means detangling our sense of self-worth from our careers, too.

To be able to have healthy, mutually loving relationships, we need to be able to put the parts of our brain seeking safety at ease by cultivating that security within ourselves, rather than externally.

“Doing self-reflection and getting to know yourself better by developing hobbies and doing things independently is really helpful for that,” says Ho.

Once you know yourself better, you can learn to be present with yourself and to trust yourself to nurture and take care of your own needs.